


Donald Trump at the Mental Asylum

by ThePenUltimate



Category: Alien (1979), Alien Series, Alien vs Predator (2004), Aliens (1986)
Genre: Crossover, Drake is a fuckboy, F/M, M/M, No we are not SJW liberals trying to take over the world, No we don't support illegal immigration but we don't want to build a wall either fucktwats, Plotholes, Random Tomb Raider Crossover, Warning: Donald Trump, Warning: this story will give you cancer, Why does this story exist, because of a joke in a movie, calm down, somebody said aliens she thought they said illegal aliens and signed up!, this makes no sense, we are literally just Aliens fans, who wrote this crap, yes the inspiration of this story came from that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 07:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9809963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePenUltimate/pseuds/ThePenUltimate
Summary: Donald Trump gets diagnosed with a deadly disease only racist people can get, and teams up with Carter Burke to try to find the cure. Little do they know, their worst enemy is Jenette Vasquez herself, a female, Hispanic illegal alien... Donald's worst nightmare! And, this somehow turns into a Tomb Raider crossover later on. What could possibly await? Total randomness and extremely obvious plot holes! Warning: This story isn't supposed to make sense and will give you serious cancer.





	1. Chapter 1

Donald Trump at the Mental Asylum: Prologue

 

WARNING: Easily triggered Trump supporters and people who have unstable minds from reading really bad fan fiction recently, you have been warned, DO NOT read this story. It's harmful to both your physical and mental condition. Likely to give you cancer. To those probably strong enough to go on (which is nobody), note that this is a story that is meant to depict a parody of current events, AKA Trump being president. Honestly, the authors of this story aren't Trump or Hilary supporters, we're pretty unbiased. Also, this story kind of pokes at a fantasy Anita Sarkeesian dreams about every day, in which women are better than men in pretty much every single way. The men in this story are NOT supposed to be depict men in real life. Not all men are cancerous, racist, sexist assholes, and anyone who believes that deserves to burn in hell. Also, you homophobes, run away and kill yourself. This story isn't for you. Last warning, we did not intend for this to be a good quality story that would gain any popularity, because we are terrible writers. And the new Alien: Covenant trailer sucks. And Alien: Resurrection does too. And AVP. And this story isn't supposed to make sense, there are plot holes everywhere. And we don't support illegal immigration, but we don't want their heads to be blown off either. Note this is from the perspective of Donald Trump. And this story ships Drake x Vasquez, even though Drake is a terrible boyfriend. And uh, that's all.

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He knew these speeches would come back to haunt him...all those times...he made speeches about illegal immigrants...illegal aliens...and now one has come to haunt him. Donald's racist mind assumed that this man...well woman...was an illegal immigrant from the way she looked...she looked Mexican and had that accent...spoke Spanish...of course she was illegal. He couldn't quite find out where he...she was from. He discussed her with everyone he met...but no one had a damn clue. He went to a doctor, talking about the way she look to the way she spoke. Donald trusted this man. He was a billionaire and of course billionaires are very trustworthy.

Donald walked into the rooms, sitting on the plush chair made of the extinct dodo bird feathers. The doctor sat next to him and told him to tell him all about these dreams...

"Doctor, I keep having these dreams. He, I mean she...she just comes...attacking me with a gun screaming...'LET'S ROCK!' I don't know what to do doctor...about him...I mean her," Donald said shakily, shivering with fright as the dream flashed through his eyes.

The doctor visibly flinched as he made the diagnosis.

"Donald...you are diagnosed with Vasqueztitis," the doctor said.

All of the doctors in the world feared of having a patient with this phobia because it spreads easily... to racist people...and of course the doctor was one.

"Donald...most racist males with specifically double Y blood type... yes the crazy blood type from Alien 3... have this deadly phobia...half of America's population... is diagnosed with Vasqueztitis," the doctor said fearfully hoping he would still get paid a shit ton of money.

The doctor went on...beads of sweat layered on his forehead, "There is no way to cure this phobia. JUST MAKE SURE TO NOT PISS HER OFF IN YOUR DREAMS...you will die in your sleep...and if you threaten her with Drake...you is a dead man...YOU IS A DEAD MAN!"

The doctor ran out of the room...papers flying everywhere, in fear the deadly phobia would spread to him. He went out grabbed his paycheck and fled.

Donald stood there...dumbfounded.

"The woman...the badass woman...was actually going to kill him...KILL ME THE GREAT DONALD EFFING TRUMP!?" He yelled, laughing maniacally.

"This ILLEGAL immigrant..some farmer probably...she is probably cleaning my toilets...right?"

His voice cracked at the end because as much as he wanted to act strong about this whole thing...he knew that this manly badass woman...was what he feared most. Illegal immigrants were people who he thought were animals..but of course this one wasn't an animal...she was a SAVAGE. And as much as he hated her...he would never want to get on the bad side of...this...monstrous...badass...woman.

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To be continued...

 

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Yes, that was the shittiest most sexist prologue you guys have ever seen in your entire lives. It DOES get better (no it doesn't). So uh... see you in chapter 2! (No one)


	2. The Next Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donald grows a pair of balls.

Donald woke up, covered in sweat clinging to his saggy just had a terrible dream of dying from Vasqueztitis...and that mysterious woman was screaming, "LETSSS ROCK!" He was going to sue his doctor when he got back. Donald knew that if he didn't do anything, he was going to die mentally and he would never live to see the election. He couldn't let that witch Hillary win! Donald started crying because he didn't know what to do….he was going to die and there was no way to stop it. Suddenly Donald stopped crying and "manned" up. He knew he would stop being a coward and at least die doing something. He would have to look for a cure, explore. He would have to be Lara Croft….

"Grrrr….Angelina Jolie…" he growled.

But of course, he had to FIND out who this woman was.

"Probably an ILLEGAL immigrant," he thought, "We don't need more of those!"

He started ranting about the wall to his cat, who wanted to kill himself, until he realized he had to get back to the search.

"Donald, at least find the woman…..You need to search EVERYWHERE!" said the cat to him. It was actually Donald talking to himself, but he was so lonely, he hallucinated his cat talking.

"Ok Putin. I will!"

To be continued with this shitty story... (don't worry the chapters grow MUCH longer later on)


	3. Finding the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donald puts his nonexistent brain to work.

Donald searched rapidly through the documents about sci-fi movies. He checked everything.

"Yes! This woman is in the sci-fi and action section!" he said. He heard feminists talk about how they hated this woman because she was so manly, she had to be in Aliens ! HE WAS SURE OF IT! Donald turned on his TV and started playing Aliens. He was so caught up in it until he saw Burke's face, so he skipped thirty minutes. FInally, he saw this woman doing pull-ups!

"Yes! It was her!" Donald said excitedly, but with lingering fright at the sight of her. Donald broke his TV by smashing his remote against it and called his doctor.

His doctor picked up. "Yes, Donald?"

"Doctor, you have to help me!" Donald said. "I've found the woman, she's from Aliens!"

"OMG DONALD! I ALREADY KNEW THAT! YOU COULD'VE ASKED ME!"

"BY JOLLY! WE DON'T HAVE A CURE EITHER! THIS IS TERRIBLE!" Donald exclaimed.

"Donald, unfortunately…..There is a possibility that there is a chance at a cure….I never liked your ass...but there is a cure…."

"WHERE?!" Donald screamed into the phone.

The doctor took a long sigh before speaking in the phone.

"Mexico. Caverns. "

"AGHHAGHAGHAGHAGHGAHGAH! WHY?!"

"I am sorry Donald… I know you're racist but you have to if you want to live!"

Donald snapped his phone in two (or tried to because he is pretty weak,) and gritted his teeth (or dentures.) He started packing up his suitcase with his business suits, his one million phones that weren't, broken, or dented, and a picture of Hillary's face scratched out by his cat. He also packed a blonde wig, in case the wig he was wearing would fall out and suntan lotion so he doesn't look black.

It was now or never…..he would have to be Lara Croft…

"Screw you, Angelina Jolie…"

To be continued...


End file.
